And just like that.

it's gone.

The first of the two cribs sold and was picked up today. Is it fair to say that I'm a bit sad to see it go? I cannot believe the significance that crib had on my heart. You see, we picked that crib out as soon as we were officially approved as a home-study prepared, waiting to be adoptive couple. We were given a beautiful ABC bedding set from a friend and it sat in our girls room, (the then nursery) and we waited for our dreams to come true. I sat beside that crib, rocking in the same chair I'd soon hold my babies in. I decorated that crib with stuffed animals and cute bedding and waited. It was part of the place I went every day to just imagine. I had never imagined life could be THIS GOOD. I never realized how much fun I'd have watching my girls learn to roll into the nooks of this crib. Or how the very best part of most of my days (or a big part of them at least), was going in to watch my babies asleep. Seeing the ways they positioned themselves said a lot about their personalities to me. My Holly started sleeping in the same spot every single night pretty early on. And she's never wavered! Now Hannah loves to sleep upside down, sideways and even sometimes picks the floor or the bottom half of Holly's bed! I'm just so glad that I was able to have such a beautiful crib for my babies to sleep in. And even better, the first one went to a family friend so it makes it even more special!

Bigger Big Girl Beds!

Weight. grr.

Last year I started the new year with a weight loss goal. Honestly, I think I've started every year with a weight loss goal for at least 10 years. I decided that it wasn't just going to be a goal for one year, but a life long attempt to maintain some sort of healthier lifestyle. Although my intentions are great, it is truly easier said than done. Last time I checked in on my weight here on my blog, I was down 20 pounds. I am proud to say that I am down since last year but sad to report that it's not 20 pounds. I'm down 10. That means that after all that hard work last spring, I gained 10 pounds back over the past 6 months or so. That is hard to admit and sucks. I'm frustrated. But I am trying to focus on the fact that I am still 10 pounds less this month than I was last year at this time.

So, I am continuing my battle with overeating. I am a snacker by all definitions. I love to eat carbs, especially pizza, chips, and crackers. But I'm down 10 and I'm hoping that by this time next year I can say I'm down another 10... at least. So, that's where I'm at. A little good, a little bad. It is what it is.

Growing up

Today something happened that made me realize just how fast and how much my babies are growing up.

We'll start with Holly. She's been potty trained for over a year... almost a year and a half now. Basically half her life! Well, today after preschool, the girls were playing and I was preparing lunch. I noticed that Holly went into the bathroom. I stayed where I was to see how it would go. She put her toys on the counter, turned the light on, pulled out the small potty seat, putting that on top of the big toilet seat and then hopped on up. She never asked for me. Not once. She's gone in and done this on her own several times but today it hit me. Today it was different. Today I realized, she's sure growing up.

Then not long later, I went upstairs to make a bed before nap time. When I came back down the stairs, I heard something and couldn't place the sound. I found it was running water. This time, it was Hannah. She had been eating a piece of chocolate when I went upstairs. Now, she was in the bathroom, up on the step stool, washing the melted chocolate off her hands. Never asked for me. When I went to check on her, she told me that the chocolate had made a mess and she was just cleaning it up. Wow.

For some reason, it's hitting me lately how very fast this time is going. Maybe it's the talk of pre-kindergarten instead of preschool next year. Maybe its the talk of me going back to work. Either way... my babies are growing up and it's bittersweet for sure.

Longing for simplicity

A few years ago, when I was in college, my mom handed me a set of three books. A trilogy. This is the link to see the books I'm talking about. The author is Beverly Lewis and she specializes in writing about the Amish, their life and faith. They are fiction but based off many true Amish beliefs as she has learned from the Amish herself. When my mom gave these to me, inside I chuckled. She wants me to read about the Amish? Are you serious? How could this be interesting to me? She told me her friend Barbara (aka Barbarazini) had let her borrow them and they were good, that I'd enjoy them. Well, I was anxious to read anything other than educational nursing books so I decided to give them a try. At least 8 years later, I am so glad that I did! I have since read many of Beverly's books... from a 5 part series to several trilogies. They are great! Not only am I suckered in to believing that I know more about the Amish than my friends, I get into these books as though the characters are real. At the end of the book, I wish I could meet them. I long to stay in their homes, to experience their singings and to help farm, can and weed. And if I'm totally honest with you, there are times that I long to become Amish.

Yeah, I know, it sounds crazy. And it is. I don't want to become Amish because I want to follow their faith. I am completely and 100% all about the man NOT being in charge in a relationship that I could never imagine having to "obey". I think their courting practices (called Rumshpringa) are a bit atypical, especially in this day & age. But there are so many things that I think are cool. Things that I'm sure they'd laugh about the "englisher" lady longing to have. They even say, (or at least Beverly portrays), that they believe many englishers (non-amish) come to their lives looking for seclusion, calm, a simpler way of life. And that is precisely what I'd like... some days.

What would it be like to wake up at 5am everyday (ask my mom, she does it all the time), start chores immediately, make a large breakfast for the men. Only to serve it and begin lunch preparations? What would it be like to have church in someones living room? To walk barefoot all summer and own no sandals? To "drive" in a buggy in the dead of winter, through the snow, with only a lap blanket and a warm brick to keep my feet from freezing? To walk everywhere I went, or ride in a buggy? To sew my own clothes, without buttons or zippers, but to use pins to hold them together? To do all those things that keep an Amish woman busy that I don't have/need to do?

I write this on my laptop, sitting on my couch, covered with my plug-in warming throw, with the television on, two children's baby monitors rustling a soft white noise in the background and my iPod next to me awaiting the next move on my many games. Seriously... all this comfort, all this convenience... and I think it would be cool to experience the Amish life. I just do. Have you ever thought that?

THREE!?! My oh my...

Can you believe that our little Holly is three years old? It's true. I cannot think of Holly's birthday without thinking of that day that we got the call. I remember it very vividly! I was at work and I was in charge that day. I got connected and the caller id had our agency on it... I couldn't believe it! Within three hours of my baby's birth, I was able to hold her! She captivated my every being the moment I laid my eyes on her... and to be honest, well before that! Holly was easy to fall in love with. She was tiny and beautiful and such a great little baby. Today, she is growing and beaitful and such a great big girl! I love everything about her... even her sassiness! It's hard to believe that she is three. That she is going on Christmas #4 with us... that she is a preschooler with her very own Leappad! My baby is growing up.... but she will always be my baby. Happy Birthday my dear, sweet Holly! I love you with all my heart, from meeces to pieces, from the moon and back! xoxoxo

i remember. may they will never forget.

I will remember. I will never forget that day. I will never forget the hushed understanding among Americans that followed for weeks. I will never get the images out of my head. And I do this by choice. Sept 11, 2001 was a day that not only changed America, it changed the world. It affected every race, ethnicity, religion, and sex. It was a day of shock, sadness, awe, heroism, terror, and grief. I remember where I was. I will tell my children all about it when they are older. And, I will do my very best not to let them forget. Today, we took them to the dedication of a steel piece of the World Trade Center. Apparently there are 1200 pieces out there and there was a rigorous application process in order to place these where they would be most appreciated. I am proud that the firefighters in my small town took the initiative and were chosen. God Bless America, ten years to the day the world was forever changed.

Before they unveiled the steel piece.

They closed down Grand River Avenue.

Unbelievable.

I cannot get over the bent nails.

Baby girls, I pray your generation never understands the grief associated with this type of terror.
And if you do, I pray that you will never take for granted the beauty of each day. xox