Just life.

I recently decided that I'm a terrible blogger. I need to take a second look at my new years resolutions to see how often I had said I wanted to blog. I think it was twice each month. Gosh, is that all? I feel like every time I sit down to write, I get writers block. Do I write about my weight loss journey? My girls? Both? Then I get confused and want to do it all in one. Then I think it's too much. So I stop writing and do read other blogs instead. Afterall... that's more fun!

My diet life change has been going well so far. It has been very hard but I've stuck with it for the most part. I've lost a few pounds and already feel a bit better in my jeans. That's the good part. The bad part is that I still crave junk food. Pizza, chocolate, candy, desserts, crackers, chips... all the sweet and salty I can think of, I do. So that makes it hard. It's not like I'm eating all this chicken and salad and thinking, WOW I LOOOOVE this stuff. Nope. I still love Pizza the most. And another thing is that it makes me cranky. I hate not being able to eat my carbs, as I choose. It's frustrating and makes me testy sometimes. I wish I weren't like that but I am. It is who I am. I also feel bad because it makes it hard to enjoy a meal with my husband or kids. They are eating things I would rather be eating. Well, actually, that's mostly Aaron. The girls eat mostly cut up fruits, veggies and some meat. It's Aaron who eats the yummy stuff. He doesn't like veggies, and the things I am eating. I guess you could say cooking right now is a challenge.

Which brings me to my next resolution on making two new meals a month. I've tried new stuff on this diet, but cooking new meals? Not really. If you count making a new egg scramble or adding salsa to my chicken breast then I'm good. But, if you're thinking casserole, crock pot, etc... then nope, nothings been new. Can't experiment right now. I just have to focus on me and what I'm eating and NOT eating.

My girls are the light of my life. The things they say remind me every day why I wanted to be a mom. I love this age! They explore everything and Holly's big into questions. It cracks me right up when she turns to me and says "Momma, I have a question for you". I laugh and say ok, what is your question.... because if I say sure??? then she says "yeah". I have to ask her to ask me the question! And, if something is bothering her, she'll ask me, "what's bugging you mommy?". That means for me to ask her, what's bugging you Holly. Usually, her shirt is itchy. They tell on each other now too which is crazy! If I don't see what they do, I don't give a time out (unless it's obvious and there are tears). But, we use time-outs for both girls and they are awesome with them. They work! Thanks SuperNanny! lol  Aaron and I have been watching that show since before we had kids and we continue to in order to perfect what we're learning. Sometimes Holly WANTS a timeout and we can't quite figure out what to do about that. If we warn her, or have to talk to her about something then she'll automatically say she wants a timeout. We tell her no that we're not putting her in one but if she wants to sit alone for a few, she can. Hannah is talking like crazy now. She says so many new words and I love it. Yesterday her new word was rainbow but it sounds like ram-oh. She's starting to put together 2-3 words and she's learning right behind Holly how to use the potty. She loves to do it and can even tell me now sometimes before she needs to go and can hold it until we get to the potty. I'm hoping she'll be as easy to train as Holly was.

A big change...

Before!

For many years I've struggled with my weight. This isn't a new concept to me. I remember as a young lady hearing about "yo-yo" dieting and never imagined I'd be one of those people. I knew better. I had watched my mom for years tirelessly weigh and measure her food on a little We.ight W.atchers scale. She knew long ago (wish I'd have known then to listen to mom like I know now!) that when I got out of high school and stopped working out day in and day out... that the pounds would add up. I didn't listen. I ate whatever I wanted. Freshman year college = 15 extra pounds. Did I learn then? Nope. So year after year, I ate what I wanted and today I am officially "obese"... clinically speaking.

I don't remember my first diet but it wasn't until sometime during college (at least that I can remember). Likely, it was W.eightW.at.chers. I joined and was successful! Lost it all. Lost more. I was doing great. Then when it came time to pay the piper to "maintain my weight"... I quit. Then I got married. I remember when we bought my wedding gown. It was an entire year and a half before my wedding. (I was engaged for three years). I got a size 12. I loved the dress! It was great! Then, late i the fall the year preceeding my wedding, someone asked to see my dress. I tried it on for them.... and couldn't zip it. Yup. When I told my mom I was heartbroken. But, she said something to me I will NEVER forget and I will hopefully do the same for my girls. She told me, "Don't stress about it. We have a long time before the wedding. If you lose weight and fit in it, great! If not, don't worry, you and I will go get a dress closer to time that fits and no one will know". WOW. It took the stress right off me. The weight, literally and figuratively, was lifted from my shoulders of the burden of needing to lose weight. The cool thing was, it worked! Taking the stress off of it made losing weight more fun, easier and something I knew I was doing only for myself, not for a dress! The best part was that I did in fact need a new dress... but it was the same dress, just two sizes SMALLER!

Since my wedding I've joined WW another 2 times. I've been successful. Lost my weight, then put it back on plus 5 or so pounds. My excuses as to how I got to this weight continue on from there. I blame infertility! Why not right?? I blame lots on damn infertility! But, I remember with my first miscarriage, somewhere inside wondering if I'd hurt the baby by working out. Then number two happened and I thought the same thing. Bring on IUI's and IVF and I was deathly afraid all the 'goods' would fall out if I worked out. So I quit working out. I ate whatever I wanted and viola. Another 15 pounds (give or take). Then came Hannah. Sure, blame the baby! So, with Hannah I wasn't PLANNING a pregnancy because I had been told I could not conceive. So I hadn't bothered losing weight since my two miscarriages or the extra I put on after treatments. So I was at my highest weight ever when I got pregnant. I gained 44 pounds during my pregnancy. WAY over what they wanted me to. Guess what? It was ALL water. I lost every pound in 10 days after having my baby girl. Ten days. There is a fact out there that says you can only lose about 3 pounds in ONE WEEK, if you lose more, it's water. So... I did it in less than a week and a half. You cannot tell me it was fat.

Fast forward 20 months. This past fall, just after Hannah's first birthday, I decided to lose a few pounds because I finally could. I went down about 10 pounds, and fast. It was great. Then I quit. Since then, I've put on 20. So here I sit, at my highest weight ever. Just 3 pounds bigger than I was when I got prenant with Hannah. I'm not happy with my weight. But I'm not necessarily embarassed by it either. I know I look chunky. I know that last night when I saw a guy I went to high school with, I ducked quickly and headed another way. But I think I've been through a lot. My body went through world war III with my pregnancy and before that, miscarriages and infertility treatments. But. There's a big but. I can't blame them anymore. It's all on me now.

So, today, I make a big change. I am not following WW. I am not doing this because of a deadline. I have no wedding, no pregnancy, nothing that I need to worry about. I am deciding to make a change for my heart, for my girls, and for me. I want them to see me eat more salads. I want them to enjoy eating chicken. I want them to know what vegetables taste like. They do all of this now but as they grow, I hope that if I'm making better choices, they too will make them. I know that I have been here before. I have said this is a lifelong struggle and this is not a diet. Diets don't work. Lifelong changes do. But this time I will do better. I will do better. I will do better. I. WILL. DO. BETTER.  For me. and for them too.

 So cheers... to a new lifestyle. One that will not be easy for me because I LIKE my carbs, my sweets, my italian food... I can do it!

Everybody cleanup!

My dear sweet Holly... I LOVE that when I asked you to help mommy clean up and handed you the daddy and big girl for your dollhouse, you put them away with no problems! Even more than that was later seeing how you had placed them when you put them away! See, looks just like you and daddy doing your favorite thing right now... standing all over the furniture!!

Thank you sweetie for giving mommy and daddy a good belly laugh just before bed!

oxoxo