A big change...

Before!

For many years I've struggled with my weight. This isn't a new concept to me. I remember as a young lady hearing about "yo-yo" dieting and never imagined I'd be one of those people. I knew better. I had watched my mom for years tirelessly weigh and measure her food on a little We.ight W.atchers scale. She knew long ago (wish I'd have known then to listen to mom like I know now!) that when I got out of high school and stopped working out day in and day out... that the pounds would add up. I didn't listen. I ate whatever I wanted. Freshman year college = 15 extra pounds. Did I learn then? Nope. So year after year, I ate what I wanted and today I am officially "obese"... clinically speaking.

I don't remember my first diet but it wasn't until sometime during college (at least that I can remember). Likely, it was W.eightW.at.chers. I joined and was successful! Lost it all. Lost more. I was doing great. Then when it came time to pay the piper to "maintain my weight"... I quit. Then I got married. I remember when we bought my wedding gown. It was an entire year and a half before my wedding. (I was engaged for three years). I got a size 12. I loved the dress! It was great! Then, late i the fall the year preceeding my wedding, someone asked to see my dress. I tried it on for them.... and couldn't zip it. Yup. When I told my mom I was heartbroken. But, she said something to me I will NEVER forget and I will hopefully do the same for my girls. She told me, "Don't stress about it. We have a long time before the wedding. If you lose weight and fit in it, great! If not, don't worry, you and I will go get a dress closer to time that fits and no one will know". WOW. It took the stress right off me. The weight, literally and figuratively, was lifted from my shoulders of the burden of needing to lose weight. The cool thing was, it worked! Taking the stress off of it made losing weight more fun, easier and something I knew I was doing only for myself, not for a dress! The best part was that I did in fact need a new dress... but it was the same dress, just two sizes SMALLER!

Since my wedding I've joined WW another 2 times. I've been successful. Lost my weight, then put it back on plus 5 or so pounds. My excuses as to how I got to this weight continue on from there. I blame infertility! Why not right?? I blame lots on damn infertility! But, I remember with my first miscarriage, somewhere inside wondering if I'd hurt the baby by working out. Then number two happened and I thought the same thing. Bring on IUI's and IVF and I was deathly afraid all the 'goods' would fall out if I worked out. So I quit working out. I ate whatever I wanted and viola. Another 15 pounds (give or take). Then came Hannah. Sure, blame the baby! So, with Hannah I wasn't PLANNING a pregnancy because I had been told I could not conceive. So I hadn't bothered losing weight since my two miscarriages or the extra I put on after treatments. So I was at my highest weight ever when I got pregnant. I gained 44 pounds during my pregnancy. WAY over what they wanted me to. Guess what? It was ALL water. I lost every pound in 10 days after having my baby girl. Ten days. There is a fact out there that says you can only lose about 3 pounds in ONE WEEK, if you lose more, it's water. So... I did it in less than a week and a half. You cannot tell me it was fat.

Fast forward 20 months. This past fall, just after Hannah's first birthday, I decided to lose a few pounds because I finally could. I went down about 10 pounds, and fast. It was great. Then I quit. Since then, I've put on 20. So here I sit, at my highest weight ever. Just 3 pounds bigger than I was when I got prenant with Hannah. I'm not happy with my weight. But I'm not necessarily embarassed by it either. I know I look chunky. I know that last night when I saw a guy I went to high school with, I ducked quickly and headed another way. But I think I've been through a lot. My body went through world war III with my pregnancy and before that, miscarriages and infertility treatments. But. There's a big but. I can't blame them anymore. It's all on me now.

So, today, I make a big change. I am not following WW. I am not doing this because of a deadline. I have no wedding, no pregnancy, nothing that I need to worry about. I am deciding to make a change for my heart, for my girls, and for me. I want them to see me eat more salads. I want them to enjoy eating chicken. I want them to know what vegetables taste like. They do all of this now but as they grow, I hope that if I'm making better choices, they too will make them. I know that I have been here before. I have said this is a lifelong struggle and this is not a diet. Diets don't work. Lifelong changes do. But this time I will do better. I will do better. I will do better. I. WILL. DO. BETTER.  For me. and for them too.

 So cheers... to a new lifestyle. One that will not be easy for me because I LIKE my carbs, my sweets, my italian food... I can do it!