A mothers love is forever.

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Does it ever go away?

Recently, an old college friend of mine posted on her facebook page that there "must be something in the water, bean #3 is due Sept 15th"... and it hit me. The infertility anger still has not gone completely away.

Will it ever?

I am HAPPY. I am blessed beyond belief with two of the most adorable baby girls ever. I have so much fun with them and laugh so much more each day than I did when I wasn't a mommy. My life is complete. I know that if I don't have any more children, I am happy just the way things are!


I have to admit, that when I read her post, it got me. It angered me in a way that a pregnancy announcement hasn't in quite some time. It was kinda like, "really? your oldest is younger than Holly, you had another in October and you are selfish enough to be knocked up ALREADY"????  And that's when I realized that it may never go away. At least not until I'm out of my fertile years. I don't begrudge her. I laugh about it actually because she was WILD in college. She was not at all the mommy-type (if there is one). Then, she found God, and her husband and she changed. She is not who I knew her to be. I wonder now if I've got a Dugger on my hands? lol... no, see, there I go again, getting those thoughts into my head. They are fed by the deep seeded feelings I have regarding fertility.

Now that the girls are getting easier to handle when I go out, I'm starting to wonder if we'd want more kids. Of coarse I would but the reality is that one of two things would have to happen... 1) I'd have to get pregnant or 2) We'd adopt. Now, both would be fine with me BUT, each one has a reason why I'm not anxious to travel that path. Pregnancy would be a challenge for me (assuming I could get pregnant anyway). My first one was not easy for me. I had gestational diabetes, I swelled up more than I can even explain (lost 44 lbs in 10 days after Hannah was born) and I had a hard time caring for Holly when I was so big. I don't want to start out pregnant at the weight I'm at. It's not healthy. So I'm not ready for that. Besides, I am not anxious for a c-section. And, to adopt, we'd have to pay again. Lots of money. Adoption is pricey. And, I remember when I was in the adoption process, seeing family profiles when they would say "our family of four would only be complete with another baby" and I was angry. My family of two simply wanted ONE child and here you have two and you want a third. I found that selfish of them. So why now wouldn't I find it selfish of me?

It's hard. When you don't ever deal with infertility, you can post on facebook that you are 6 days pregnant. You can yell it on the rooftops and have baby after baby after baby and think nothing of how it may affect others. When you delve into infertility, you enter into a world of pain, guilt, frustration, anger and confusion. I don't think it ever goes away. How can it? Infertility is a life experience that changes you.
 I know it changed me. From the inside, out.

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